The Nudging Feeling
There’s always this persistent nudging feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. It usually awakens in the morning when I suddenly realize, “Oh no! I don’t have any clear direction in my life. I genuinely don’t know where I’m headed.” It lingers throughout the day, threatening to overwhelm me. Explaining this sensation to others has always been a challenge. Reflecting on it now, it’s a complex mixture of emptiness, despair, anxiety, uncertainty, shame, and sorrow.
Accompanying this feeling are a flood of thoughts. They’re relentless. The “what ifs,” “whens,” and “hows” swarm my mind. What if my current situation persists indefinitely? What if I don’t achieve my goals? What if I can’t secure a job and find myself back at square one? What if I succumb to the darkness within when I return home? When will I land a job? When will I have a stable income? When will circumstances improve? When will my big break arrive? How can I develop as an individual? How can I enhance my skills as a UX designer?
This sensation is exacerbated by my habit of comparing myself to friends and those who’ve seemingly surpassed me in life. I measure my journey against theirs, questioning why they’ve made progress while I seem to be stuck. These comparisons only amplify my despondency. Despite being naturally inclined toward happiness, I rarely discuss these feelings with anyone.
When this sensation takes hold, getting out of bed becomes an ordeal. I remain tangled in my thoughts, wrapped in the warmth of the sheets. It’s overwhelming, and I despise it. By midday, I’ve grown weary of this emotional weight, and it starts to dissipate. Yet, on those days, I sometimes resign myself to thinking, “I’ve already wasted most of my day, so I might as well stay in bed.”
Then there are days when I summon the strength to overcome this feeling. I manage to leave the bed and engage in productive activities, perhaps designing an app or crafting a landing page. On such occasions, as the evening approaches, I feel genuinely triumphant. I’m proud of my ability to overcome negativity and accomplish something that propels me toward a more promising future.
